Pretty Toys I Wish I Loved

You know how a lot of folks have clothes hanging up in their closet that never get worn because they don’t quite fit, but they’re so pretty/cool/special that they can’t bring themselves to get rid of them? Yeah I have that problem with sex toys.1

I cherish toys that come in unique and exciting colors or are otherwise aesthetically pleasing. So I feel especially disappointed when those toys don’t get me off. I want so badly to enjoy them but the vibration just isn’t rumbly enough or the shape just doesn’t work for my body. But I keep them around, hoping one day I’ll grow to like them. Ultimately they just find their way to the bottom of a drawer, never meeting my expectations.

Here are a couple of those toys. Toys that my eyes love but my vagina hates.


AVE Alto-L

The AVE Alto-L is by far one of the prettiest and most uncomfortable things I’ve ever put in my vagina.

Part of AVE’s SKY collection, it’s a beautiful cloud-like dual stimulation vibrator with silver details. Even its magnetic charger has an adorable little cloud on the magnet end. But for some reason, the Alto-L is flat? I was expecting a fluffy three-dimensional cloud. But no, it’s flat. It’s just under 1.5 inches at the tallest(?) insertable point, and about .75 inches wide.

The MysteryVibe Crescendo has an unusual thin shape too, but it is flat horizontally rather than vertically. I find the former to be more comfortable. The latter causes an uncomfortable pressure on my pubic bone.

The AVE Alto-L provides more that dual stimulation; it also features a moving shaft. It moves up and down, similarly to Lelo’s “Wave” toys. But it makes a terribly distracting mechanical noise when it moves. And just like with the Rabbit Company Rotating Rabbit, the moving shaft isn’t effective for me. My vaginal muscles keep the shaft in place and the handle moves instead.

But its most heinous offense is that on top of all of this, it’s buzzy. I can usually tolerate some buzz when it comes to internal stimulation but the Alto-L is too buzzy. But since it’s uncomfortable for me to insert the toy at all, whether it’s buzzy or rumbly is really a moot point. I never tried using it for clitoral stimulation because I know it’s not nearly powerful enough.

AVE’s SKY collection, and the Alto-L in particular, looked impressive but ended up being a huge disappointment. And for nearly $200, it’s not something I feel confident about recommending to anyone. *sad trombone*

THANK YOU AVE for sending me this product in exchange for my honest review!


HUM Vibrator

The HUM vibrator uses innovative technology to create intuitive custom vibration for the user. It features dual motors and sensors that respond to pressure and movement.

I’m in love with its smooth matte finish of the silicone coating and the marbled design is great. You can also choose glow-in-the-dark colors which is pretty rad!

In use, I enjoyed the HUM at first but the novelty quickly wore off. I was having fun playing around with it and the testing the functions, but wasn’t actually getting off. It seems like every time I find a rhythm I like, it changes. Basically the vibration patterns become too erratic for me to enjoy. I prefer being able to control the vibration.

I discovered that if I can manage to hold it in a very specific way, it will produce steady vibration. But it’s hard to get it just right and the payoff isn’t great. It’s not rumbly enough to be satisfying.

The HUM vibrator has a lot of features that I appreciate (including being waterproof and rechargeable), and the shape is subtle yet pleasurable, but apparently the intuitive vibration just doesn’t work well for my body and preferences.

Like the AVE Alto-L, I’m hesitant to suggest this toy based on the price ($200-230 depending on color) and my underwhelming, and occasionally frustrating, experience with it.

THANK YOU HUM for sending me this toy in exchange for my honest review!

  1. and I wouldn’t be surprised if many of you reading this do too! []

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